He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
