Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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