god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
