I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
