I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
