Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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