i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
