I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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