He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
