you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Did I show you my penis last night?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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