how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
