my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My bed smells like the plague
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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