I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
