hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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