I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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