my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
