dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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