Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
