Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
