I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
