that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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