I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
