I wish I only lived at night.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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