so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
