he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
