Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
where are you?
Hypothermia
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
