Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
