Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
