Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i drank out of a bidet.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
