someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
