If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
