i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
