i need an iv and a liver transplant
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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