My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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