what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
