I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
