I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
