She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
whose parrot is this?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
