Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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