Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
