help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
