I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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