booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
