thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
