I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
