I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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