I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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