She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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