Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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