dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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