It's Friday. Sex?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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