Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
