Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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