there's paper in my vomit.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
