I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You are a genius and a whore.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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